Platonic Partnership

Introduction

When I talk about platonic partnership, the first question I usually get is: “how is that different from a close friendship”? The concepts of dating and partnership are so entwined with romance that at first glance, many people can’t see the difference. In this paper, I will present a more expansive interpretation of dating and a definition of platonic partnership with a framework for contrasting partnership and committed friendship. Herein, I break down partnership into fundamental components without relying on either the romance-centric view that partnership is based on romantic love or the monogamous definition that posits that your partner should be the one person you prioritize over all others. While I have tried to reframe partnership in a way that might resonate with a wider audience, this framework and definition are tailored to my own experiences and relationships. This definition is not intended to be universal and does not encompass the full range of ways people engage in partnership. My approach is informed by relationship anarchy¹ and focuses on a non-hierarchical, non-exclusive form of partnership.

Traditionally, relationships are thought of as falling into the binary categories of romantic or platonic. Platonic relationships are friendships and romantic relationships, when serious enough, are partnerships. Romantic partnerships are viewed as inherently more significant and committed than friendships. This false dichotomy prevents people from intuitively understanding platonic partnership, which bridges both categories. The division between romantic and platonic relationships, as well as the division between friendship and partnership, are spectrums along which a range of relationships could fall, rather than rigid boxes into which relationships have to fit neatly. Most people restrict their relationships to the standard configuration of one romantic partnership and many platonic friendships (Fig. 1). 

Fig. 1 : The norm is to have one romantic partnership and multiple platonic friendships.

For many, this configuration of relationships meets their needs. However, relationships can also exist in any configuration along these spectrums (Fig. 2). 

Fig. 2: Friendship vs Partnership and Platonic vs Romantic are spectrums, not binaries. Relationships can also exist in the gray areas on these spectrums. The lower left quadrant (representing platonic partnership) will be the focus of this paper.

When distinguishing partnership from friendship, it is necessary to first consider dating (the standard segue to romantic partnership). Usually, “dating” refers to the early period of a romantic relationship before those involved have committed to being partners. Dating is considered an inherently romantic activity but it can also be reframed as a process that can be applied to different types of relationships. Fundamentally, dating involves actively and intentionally building intimacy in a relationship. This can be done by going on dates and spending significant quality time together, but it doesn’t have to follow the scripts laid out for romantic dating. As you get to better understand each other and the dynamic of the relationship, you have an opportunity to determine how each of you feel and what sort of relationship you desire. I view dating as the process of exploring what type of relationship you would like to have with a particular person and especially determining whether or not you would like to be in a partnership. This interpretation is applicable in either a romantic or platonic context. 

When it comes to platonic relationships, there isn’t an easy avenue for a transition from a friendship to a partnership. People who practice relationship anarchy or otherwise pursue relationships that do not fit neatly into the binary of platonic friendship or romantic partnership may wish to explore what forms of intimacy and commitment they want in a relationship with intention. Using a label like "dating" can provide a framework for building on a relationship. Labeling a relationship as “dating” allows both members to get on the same page about the intentions of that relationship. You can acknowledge a mutual desire to deepen the relationship or explore new dynamics without having to know at the outset what the specific end goal is. Partnership and commitment can take time to build, which makes it helpful to be able to hold these options in mind without having to jump straight into big changes.

Dating in this context is largely about intent and communication. As such, two relationships that look similar may have different labels if there are different intentions. The label of “dating” is one that must be agreed upon by the involved parties, not one that is automatically applied to any relationship meeting certain requirements. The same can be said of platonic partnership. Just because a relationship may meet the definition I lay out in the next section for partnership does not mean the people in the relationship would classify it that way. Having more expansive terminology for different types of relationships aids in the process of exploring and building nontraditional relationships.

Platonic Partnership vs Committed Friendship

Two overarching differences between friendship and partnership are with regard to relationship continuity and hierarchy: 

1. Friendships are expected to wax and wane over time, while a partnership is expected to maintain an established intensity.

2. Friendships are commonly second to people’s romantic relationships, whereas partnerships are on more equal footing with either member’s other relationships.

It is commonly understood that friendships, no matter how significant, will fluctuate over time. College roommates may stay close for life, but never return to the frequency of contact they maintained while in school. Childhood friends may only see each other when visiting home for the holidays without that being seen as a lost relationship. Adult friendships pick up and drop off as people move, get new jobs or partners, or have children. It is generally expected that in a good friendship, you’ll be able to pick up where you left off after periods of distance as your respective lives take their separate paths and reconverge over the years. A close friend pulling away is seen as a loss, but allowing other aspects of your life to take priority over a friendship (temporarily or indefinitely) is not breaking the terms of the relationship. It is acceptable for a person to make unilateral decisions that significantly impact their friendships.

Romantic relationships operate differently. It would be considered relationship-ending in many cases for a person to move away from their romantic partner without consulting them first, stop contacting their partner for months on end because they got busy, or take on obligations that will significantly limit the time they have left to devote to the relationship. Romantic relationships following the relationship escalator² are expected to continuously increase in intensity and investment without taking pauses.

The expectation to maintain a relationship at a certain established intensity is an element of partnership that is not inherent to romance. A partnership is a form of committed relationship that holds an expectation that the relationship will be actively sustained. Changes to the day to day dynamics of the relationship require explicit communication. This is not to say that partnerships must be consistently increasing in terms of the time and commitments devoted to the relationship. There is, however, an expectation that changes made need to be agreed upon, and made with the relationship in mind, rather than made unilaterally by one party.

By extension, partnerships broadly have more hierarchical power than friendships. In most cases, friendships are at the bottom of the totem pole and can be subject to impositions and limitations from either party’s other relationships. For example, those in monogamous relationships may allow the terms of their romantic partnership to dictate the time they can spend with friends or the forms of intimacy they can engage in in other relationships. When it comes to decision making, life decisions are usually made with one's partner(s); friends may not have a voice in the decision making process. Platonic partnerships are on more equal footing with either member’s other relationships. The fact that a particular relationship is platonic does not make it inherently second to any sexual or romantic relationship.

Beyond continuity and hierarchical power, friendships and partnerships may differ with regards to the forms of intimacy and commitment present in the relationship. I view friendship and partnership as both including varying degrees of six core elements: 

• Emotional intimacy

• Physical intimacy

• Time investment

• Domesticity

• Social life entwinement

• Commitment

Any relationship can operate along all 6 axes with varying degrees of intensity. The distinction between these two relationship types does not lie in a fixed list of what each relationship can or can not include but rather on the intensity of the relationship on each of these spectrums. Friendships can fall at any level of intensity across these 6 categories but I expect partnership to be at a fairly high intensity across all axes (with the potential exception of physical intimacy).

These axes of relationships will be outlined in detail in the next section.

---

Summary: A comparison of the core properties of friendships and partnerships.

Friendship

• Likely to wax and wane over time as other aspects of life shift.

• Likely subject to impositions/limits from other relationships (commonly monogamous romantic relationships).

• Can fall anywhere on the 6 axes.

Partnership

• Expected to maintain established intensity, or expressly communicate about changes in intensity.

• On equal footing with other relationships.

• Expected to have a fairly high level of intensity across all 6 axes.

---

Platonic Partnership in Detail

In this section, I provide a more detailed exploration of the 6 core axes. These are intimacies and commitments that are often assumed to be romantic, but when looked at individually it's possible to see that these elements can be cultivated in any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic.

Emotional and Physical Intimacy

The first two axes are emotional and physical intimacy. I see the least distinction between friendship and platonic partnership in these categories. For myself, I expect a high level of emotional intimacy in all of my close relationships, so I have friendships that are on par with my partnerships in this regard. I certainly consider emotional intimacy to be integral to significant relationships, but it is by no means unique to partnership.

I have included physical intimacy as an axis in this framework, as I believe it is a significant element of relationships. However, it is worth noting that of the 6 categories listed here, physical intimacy is the most removed from the concept of partnership. Fundamentally, partnership is about commitment and building a life together. Those sorts of commitments do not require physical intimacy and it is possible to have a platonic partnership which does not include significant levels of physical affection. That being said, I believe the significance of physical intimacy in platonic relationships is often discounted. The term “intimacy” often directly connotes sex. Nonsexual physical affection, such as cuddling, hand holding, or sharing a bed, can be a meaningful form of connection in platonic relationships.

Time Investment

The amount of time devoted to a given relationship is often a metric of its significance or prioritization. Close friendships can in many cases be comfortably maintained with weekly or monthly hangouts. It's also quite common to have pick-up-where-we-left-off friendships with people who you only see annually. These friends may be deeply loved, but there isn't an expectation that they can or should be more involved in each other's lives. There are periods in one's life (like college) where friends can be deeply entwined in each others day to day lives but for most people this fades once they become established in adulthood.

Partners are expected to be more involved in each other’s day to day lives, with daily or frequent communication and significant shared quality time. People in a relationship with high time investment may be likely to have shared calendars or otherwise know what each person is up to at any given time. They may expect to see each other multiple times a week, or prioritize one-on-one time, or keep up with regular phone calls when they can't be in the same place. In adulthood this is a level of investment that is usually reserved for romantic relationships, but platonic partnerships can meet the same intensity of involvement.

Domesticity

Domesticity is a form of intimacy that is rarely explicitly acknowledged, yet is significant to most romantic relationships or partnerships. Domesticity is about having comfort coexisting in one space. Living together can engender a high level of domesticity in a relationship, but is not the only way to build this form of intimacy. A domestic relationship is one where you do not have to be socially “on” around each other. This is the sort of person you can engage in daily life management tasks with (grocery shopping, cleaning, working on your taxes), who treats your house as their own if you live separately, who you don’t have to host or be presentable around. A highly domestic relationship may include sharing a bed or having a shelf of your stuff in their closet. Domesticity tends to develop as a consequence of sleeping together in romantic relationships but can also be cultivated in platonic ones.

Social Life Entwinement

Life entwinement is a measure of the degree to which two people integrate their social lives. In friendships, a pair of friends might have a shared friend group with mutual relationships or joint social events. At a higher level, life entwinement can include acting as a plus one in settings like weddings and company holiday parties, traveling together, or getting to know each other’s family. At this stage, two people might be seen as a social unit - where one is invited, the other is expected to follow or both are jointly invited to events. The high end of life entwinement includes a level of shared time and familial integration that is commonly expected of long term couples. For example, having a standing expectation of vacationing together. Here, you might expect to make a shared plan for the holidays or for annual vacations, rather than just traveling together when you both have a destination you would like to visit. Someone you are very entwined with is the person you might bring home for Christmas or take to visit extended family. 

Commitment

The most significant distinctions between friendship and partnership fall under the header of commitment. With regard to romantic relationships, commitment is often discussed as if it’s a binary. Whether or not a relationship is “committed” is colloquially used interchangeably with “exclusive.” It is assumed that if you are in a romantic relationship, you will follow the relationship escalator and either work up to all of the commitments expected of marriage or break up. In reality, there are many forms of commitment that can be made on an individual basis in each relationship.

A close, long-term friendship may include commitments such as expecting to be in each other's lives in some capacity for the long term, providing support in an emergency or difficult time, or having established expectations about how frequently you will be in contact. However, while friends may take pains to maintain a relationship as their lives evolve, it is unlikely for friends to make significant life decisions based on that friendship. Making life decisions together, and going through life as a team, is a hallmark of partnership.

A form of commitment that would be more on par with partnership would be committing to living together for the long-term. When it comes to deciding where to live, partners are usually the ones who make those decisions together. They may commit to living in the same city or be willing to move to follow one another. Partners certainly might end up in a long distance relationship, but it would likely be a decision they discussed together with an understanding of how it would impact the relationship, as opposed to a change one person made unilaterally.

There is also a distinction between being an emergency contact on occasion and expecting to be involved in any significant events in someone's life. While close friends may be happy to step up in an emergency, they don't usually expect to be your first call in every scenario. Partners are the people who are the first call to pick you up from surgery or take you to the ER and who want to be kept informed of any news in your life.

At an even higher level, platonic partnership can include all the same financial and legal commitments as marriages. Combined finances, joint ownership of a house or pets, co-caregiving of children or aging parents, legal marriage or domestic partnership, and power of attorney are all ways lifelong platonic partners may codify their relationship or entwine their lives.

---

Summary: Examples of different forms of commitment that may be present in a relationship.

• Communicate through changes

• Intend to be in each others lives a long time

• Set expectations surrounding frequency of quality time/communication

• Emergency contact (as needed)

• Emergency contact (primarily/regularly)

• Living together long term, would consider moving for the other

• Going through life together, make life decisions as a team

• Shared finances

• Co-ownership (pets, house, etc.)

• Co-parenting or co-caregiving

• Legal marriage or domestic partnership

• Power of attorney

---

Conclusion

Platonic partnership centers around building a shared life in a relationship that is not founded on attraction. In romantic contexts, attraction is usually the catalyst that drives investment, but when relationships are cultivated with intention, the same level of investment can be developed in platonic contexts. As the definition above demonstrates, platonic partnerships can be as intimate, meaningful, and committed as romantic ones.

So many of our expectations for relationships are unspoken, based on scripts that don't provide a lot of flexibility. We need more specific language for quantifying the role we want different relationships to play in our lives, especially when it comes to building nontraditional relationships. I find that this framework is helpful for communicating expectations in a relationship, regardless of whether or not it's a partnership. These categories aren't an all or nothing deal. Each one can be adjusted individually to find the right balance.

1. Nordgren, A. (2005). _The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy_. The Anarchist Library. https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/andie-nordgren-the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship-anarchy

2. Gahran, A. (2017). _Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life_. Off the Escalator Enterprises.